liz nierzwicki and her three year old son vincent came to chicago to visit this weekend. roscoe village will never be the same.
vincent got into everything in the house, including an old christmas decoration that he managed to convert into a bengals fan.
vincenzo brought some bad weather with him, as it was evidentially raining inside the house.
he and billy became buds, until vince tried to steal his bone. then it got a little ugly.
after a trip to dave and busters, vince came home high on sugar and trashed the joint. after a while, benny turns to liz and says “you know who your son reminds me of? Adam Saad.”
he also tore into some late night burritos. unfortunately, they made them a little too spicy for his taste, and poor vinny started crying. then he pounded some water and got back to trashing the place.

1. “Wake-up Ron Bergundy” should come from Netflix on Saturday.

2. The O.C. returns next Thursday. Damn those winter Olympics, damn you. Also damn “Skating with celebrities” for postponing this week.

3. I’ll be making a return to the big city Tuesday/Wednesday March 14th and 15th. Everyone in town keeps on warning me not to go as they say I’ll be robbed by a “negro”. Turns out when I have been telling people that I moved out here from the “city” they always thought I meant Naperville. The locals are holding a prayer vigil for my safe return.

Anyway, my sister is moving to Boston around the 21st and I have to go say good-bye and raid anything they’re not taking with such as unused pharmaceuticals and half bottles of wine. I’ll be around Tuesday night after 8 p.m. and Wednesday until I head back.

sheikh, benny, and I were sitting around the house watching the office tonight after just finishing our costello’s subs. someone goes “where is billy?” benny said that he was still outside. and we realized that billy has been outside for at least 45 minutes. we open the door to find the front gate open. sheikh had not closed it all the way after coming back from picking up our dinner. a quiet panic ensues, followed by unspoken but remarkably quick and coordinated action.

no one said a word, yet all three of us set off in opposite directions looking for young william. shiekh went east, benny went south, and I headed west, right for where I had a sneaky suspicion I would find the rebel pooch. His favorite place is the corner of Seeley and Cornelia. On one corner, a squirrel haven. On the opposite corner, a “boarding house” of dense brush that harbors a gang of stray cats.

As I walked west towards william’s favorite spot, many thoughts crossed my mind.

please god don’t let me find him slumped over in the middle of the road.

what in the hell are we going to tell moss?

I kept screaming his name, and suddenly I see the little bastard come roaring around the corner. he runs up, knowing he’s probably in trouble. at this point I don’t know whether to yell at or hug the little shit ass. i did nothing, just stood there. staring. speechless. billy stared back, licking his chops like he just finished a four course meal. i wonder what he got into? did he eat one of those stray cats? did he hunt down a squirrel? or just get into a dumpster for a meal of leftovers?

when we got back to the house, we sat around in shock for about five minutes. no one said a word, until billy broke the silence. “shiiiiiiiit you crazy crackers! Ain’t no fence can hold me back, sucka!”

it was sometime last year, when benjamin ralston and I went to buddy guy, jimmy buffett, and the rolling stones concerts in the span of nine days…benny turned to me and said “we gotta do this more often.” so in the spirit of chris spitzer, we decided to pack our bags and see the north mississippi allstars play at a small venue in indianapolis called the music mill.

along for the trip was benny’s brother clint, uncle bob, his cousin cam, cam’s woman amanda, their buddy ryan, his girlfriend shea, and their friend becca. yes, her name was becca. we should have known right away with that name that there would be some sparks later in the evening…

the opening act was called silver train, and we were parked in the front row. some guy came out and was tuning up the guitars, and clint yells “hey man, what’s it like being a tech for a band on the road?” the guy got a shit-eatin grin on his face and clint says “what to you bet that guy turns out to be the lead singer…”
sure enough, the “tech”disappears, comes back ten minutes later with the rest of his band, and grabs a guitar and the mic. katie, the girls all told us that he was wearing women’s jeans…you would have been in love.

the allstars finally came on a played a show that lived up to their name
air guitar was in full effect
little did becca know that this tongue would come into play later in the eveningbut benny sure knew…
the band had us rockin
and the booze was flowin

the music mill was outside of downtown, and we were staying at a hotel right down the street. with little night life to choose from, we headed back to the hotel and ordered pizza after the show.

but suddenly benny and becca were nowhere to be found. cam was walking around the hotel and happened upon benny cornered by becca between two soda machines, using that tongue pictured above. benny pulled out the oldest trick in the book – “hey cam, go get dave!” cam came to the room and said “hey dave, benny needs you.” upon returning to the scene of the crime, the two lovebirds were nowhere to be found. we later found them in the hotel lobby, curled up in a chair next to the fireplace. ben ralston, gangsta of love.
shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

“This one is going to be a barn burner. I am just glad that I am peaking at the right time. I think I am capable of making a deep run in the tournament. What’s interesting about the format for this tournament is that you have no choice but to run the table. I mean you’ve got to win out. So far I think I may have played a soft schedule. But, I just have to remember what got me here. I’ll just stick to the fundamentals, eliminate the mental mistakes, dig deep, crank it up, capitalize on my opportunities, bend but not break, pull out all the stops, be aggressive, and really just have a lot of fun out there. Anything less than a championship is unacceptable.

My chances are as good as anyone except for maybe a psychic, a soothsayer, or maybe a low-level gypsy. And, I stress maybe because I can smell blood in the water. I just have to do the things that I did at Marshall’s. That’s always a tough place to play. It just doesn’t matter who I play in the next round. I’ve battled back from the brink of elimination before. It’s do or die, a must-win situation. Every win staves off elimination. This is for all the marbles. There’s no tomorrow. If you lose, you go home.

Thank you to all my fans as well as the fans of RPS. I thank God for the gifts he has bestowed upon me. And finally thank you to the USRPS and Bud Light for giving me this opportunity.

I was standing in February. I am dancing in March. And I hope to be playing for keeps in April!”

SAAD’S SLOGAN: We Don’t Play These Games on Paper

I haven’t talked to Adam Saad in a couple weeks, and I thought it was because he was busy studying for Law school. However, after just receiving an email from my good friend Jen Latimer, I am starting to find the real reason for Adam’s absence: he has been training night and day for a run at the Paper Rock Scissors Championship in Las Vegas. Let me just copy and paste a little clip from that email that Latimer forwarded me from Mrs. Jessica Saad:

> Hey ladies, Just wanted to let you know how proud I am of my little law student, while I was away at my National Sales Meeting getting awarded in Cali, he was back here at a local Bar winning himself, “the Rock-Paper-Scissors contest”. Yes, this is for real…………….Men, do they ever grow up?????????? Too funny right, Xoxo, Jess

Evidentially this is for real. Check out the website: USARPS.com. The championships are in Las Vegas, the winner gets $50,000. Adam has a week to train, as his next match is at a bar called Whiskey Dick’s in Dublin (that is actually true too, believe it or not) on March 9th. That gives Adam about a week to train for the big event.

Adam, if you’re reading this, two things:

1. why have you not told any of us?
2. I just want to wish you good luck, we’re all counting on you.

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