william “desperado” valentine

March 2, 2006

sheikh, benny, and I were sitting around the house watching the office tonight after just finishing our costello’s subs. someone goes “where is billy?” benny said that he was still outside. and we realized that billy has been outside for at least 45 minutes. we open the door to find the front gate open. sheikh had not closed it all the way after coming back from picking up our dinner. a quiet panic ensues, followed by unspoken but remarkably quick and coordinated action.

no one said a word, yet all three of us set off in opposite directions looking for young william. shiekh went east, benny went south, and I headed west, right for where I had a sneaky suspicion I would find the rebel pooch. His favorite place is the corner of Seeley and Cornelia. On one corner, a squirrel haven. On the opposite corner, a “boarding house” of dense brush that harbors a gang of stray cats.

As I walked west towards william’s favorite spot, many thoughts crossed my mind.

please god don’t let me find him slumped over in the middle of the road.

what in the hell are we going to tell moss?

I kept screaming his name, and suddenly I see the little bastard come roaring around the corner. he runs up, knowing he’s probably in trouble. at this point I don’t know whether to yell at or hug the little shit ass. i did nothing, just stood there. staring. speechless. billy stared back, licking his chops like he just finished a four course meal. i wonder what he got into? did he eat one of those stray cats? did he hunt down a squirrel? or just get into a dumpster for a meal of leftovers?

when we got back to the house, we sat around in shock for about five minutes. no one said a word, until billy broke the silence. “shiiiiiiiit you crazy crackers! Ain’t no fence can hold me back, sucka!”


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