area man loses more than dignity during bachelor party weekend

February 5, 2006

Friends and family of Lincoln Park resident Jason Turner (pictured above with brother Billy) converged on Chicago this weekend for a bachelor party to celebrate JT’s quickly dwindling days of of being single. JT was the most consistent loser over the weekend, losing more than just his dignity. Allow me to explain:

JT’s first loss was at bowling, costing Jason not only a round of shots but also a king burrito (bistec y puerco, con aguacate y crema) thanks to his side bet with Dave Anderson. In the picture above, you can see Jason trying to get in the head of his good friend Schhhteve Barsotti. It must have worked, as Schhhhteve bowled a measly 89 in the final frame.
Jason’s next loss came at Trackside, the Off-Track Betting spot on Weed St. This time, JT’s loss came at the expense of his future son, as he dipped into the recently created college fund for an extra $20 to put on the #4 horse. The #4 horse finished second to last.
The next thing that JT lost was his wallet. The bachelor party had moved to Slugger’s on Clark to take in some good old fashioned dueling pianos. JT kept asking one of the pianists to play the Steelers fight song. After JT’s third identical request, the pianist screamed “for the LAST time, I don’t even know the Steelers had a fight song, let alone how to play it.” Shortly thereafter, the music was stopped for an announcement. “JASON TURNER…JASON TURNER…YOU LEFT YOUR WALLET ON THE BAR.” Fortunately no money was taken by whomever found it.

The last casualty of the night was JT’s glasses, although we’re not exactly sure where or when they were lost.

JT did gain something over the course of the night, and that is the name of his first son. Longtime friend Jeff Jones asked everyone in the party to pick an underdog MVP in the upcoming Superbowl, and whoever was named the MVP of Superbowl XL would be the name of Jason’s first son. It quickly escalated into a discussion of which one of the Steelers JT should name his son after. The winner was Kimo von Oelhoffen:
So congrats Jason, and I look forward to the day when Benny and I can corrupt your son Kimo von Turner.


3 Responses to “area man loses more than dignity during bachelor party weekend”

  1. Saad Says:

    for reasons that i shall not explain… i hate your son’s name.

  2. sheikh Says:

    yes, saad prefers a name like carson. kimo isn’t gay enough for him.

  3. spitzer345 Says:

    I always thought JT was gay? I can’t wait until the newborn looks like Newburger.

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