Stop the Presses, Immaculate Castration Occurs

October 20, 2005

Columbus, Ohio
Associated Press

Yes, everyone, including the Taliban has heard of the Immaculate Conception. But an Immaculate Castration was reported in Columbus, Ohio. Adam Saad, a Lebanese man in his late 20’s has actually lost his balls without having any surgical procedure done. Experts have been flown in from more intelligent BLUE states to witness this first time event. The facts are slow to be released, but sources say that the balls did not disappear over night; rather they slowly have been shrinking for the past 5 years. Preliminary reports state that experts believe that the Mr. Saad’s balls have been shrinking due to the tight vice-like grip his wife has had on them ever since they began dating in college. Experts believe symptoms may be dressing up in whatever clothes your wife picks out for you, owning an entire baby-blue wardrobe and wearing your wife’s Capris pants as Adam is wearing in the photo.

To combat the castration, Adam has been carrying around a large inflatable penis, though it is feared his manhood has already been lost. He states, “I get a lot of stares carrying around the penis, but my wife wants me to.” In fact, I am getting a lot of attention from other guys, which isn’t all that bad, hopefully I can find someone else that this has happened to and start a support group.”

Adam’s long time friend, Billy Ray Valentine, commented on Adam’s lost balls in Spanish, which was translated for this article. “I had my balls removed in college unwillingly, it is sad that it has come to this for Adam. Though, I always saw it coming. Anyone that dresses up like Pees and Carrots with his girlfriend definitely has no balls. Maybe he should purchase neuticles. Nowleave me alone, Dave has peanut butter for me.”


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